Double D’s Partyin’ the USA – Things to Do This Weekend

From special contributor Davey “Double D” Dombrowsky, professional man about towns and raconteur.  Double D knows what to you should do this weekend.

 

Friday

After waking up from Thursday’s get together at the Top of the Standard in NYC’s Meatpacking District (it’s always a late night when hanging with Leo…DiMarco, part-time ‘tender of Greenwich’s Slaughtered Lamb Pub), you’ll want to head on over to The Central New York Modern Art Expo Center on W. 55th from 2-7pm for their 4th annual “Art Splat and Egg Sale,” where you can get some awesome poached eggs and egg-based artwork.  I picked up a Damian Hurzt “Poop Egg” last year and I’ll keep my eye out for other valuable ovum.  After that, get out of the Why-C, cause it’s dead on Fridays, and head down to Wilmington, Delaware for dinner at Charcoal Pit on Concord Pike, where I have it on good authority (a certain hottie from Delaware, Valerie Bertinelli, total cougar yum) that this is the place to spot some A-listers like Justine Bieber (sister of Justin and star of the new Family Ties webisodes) and good friend (and, oh, VP of the USA) Joe Biden.  After you fill up on their black and white shakes, head down to D.C.’s “Race Relations Ball and Car Auction” in Friendship Heights from 6-11pm.  If that’s not enough, you can head over to hot club UltraBar in D.C., where you can dance to super-DJ Skeet Skeet and hang out with reality star Missy Dugout from MTV’s “Sober Academy House.”  If you’re looking for a quieter awesome night out in the mid-West, you have to get out to Des Moines’ own Twisted Parrot Lounge and meet Gassy Gus of Frankie & KoKo Morning ShowShow fame (appearance from 8-10pm) and the Hot 107 FM PregBabes.  If you’re on the left coast, nothing’s going on.

Saturday

Man, I don’t know about you, but Saturday, I’m getting up bright and early and heading over to Dodge City, Kansas, for the “Santa Fe Trail ‘Gunsmoke’ Masquerade 5K” (starting at 7am) which annually draws some eighty thousand fans of the television show “Gunsmoke” and other Old West drag lovers for a fun romp down the dusty streets of a dying Plains city.  Keep an eye out for Old Dirty Willy and his kabob truck, they’re falafel-humping goodness.  After that exertion, I’m going to hope in my IROC and blast over to The Pantry Restaurant in Sterling Heights, Michigan for some delicious breakfast specials and special celebrity sightings (I had a fluffernutter sandwich one night with Jack Bauer, inspiration for Kiefer Sutherland’s character’s name on “24”).  Plan to spend the day in Bend, Oregon, at the Alphonse D’Amato Festival, the country’s only celebration of the life and public service of New York Senator Al D’Amato.  You’ll have your breath taken away as you watch the spectacle of a giant papier mâché D’Amato fight against a giant pencil (you’ll lose your breath by seeing lots of Oregon’s finest babes at the fest as well).  Dinner will definitely be at Los Angeles’ chic Cafe La Boheme, where my buddy Wil Wheaton, who works the door, has confirmed that the entire cast of next year’s disaster blockbuster called “M. Night Shymalan presents…” will be eating at the corner table! Show up, grab a table, and be seen.  For after dinner, I wish I could make it to NYC for the hot party at Club No Name on E. 99th for Moby’s Karaoke show or the insanity that will be the Met Opera’s annual “Orgy for Organs” debauchery, but I’ll be driving down to New Orleans with my girl, internationally famous socialite Paris Schwartz, to Club Pepper Schwantz, for the special night of music performed by Peebo Bryson.  Also wish I could clone myself and head out to Montana’s Big Horn Comedy Club for their crazy “Legends of Black Comedy” starring Sinbad marathon.

Sunday

Ah, the day of rest, you know your boy is gonna give you some great Sunday Morning Coming Down events, right? First, head to Louisville for a Hot Brown at the Brown Hotel (tell her I sent you, wink wink).  Then, I know I’m driving up to Philly to enjoy the beautiful people watching at the Cheesesteak World Eatoff, then wind down the weekend with a little jaunt over to Amarillo for a casual supper at the Big Texan.  Head home, fall asleep, do whatever you need to until next weekend.  Ciao.

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Gotta Make That Change: Grocery Edition

Marking the 400th day since the loss of Michael Jackson, The Standard Standard continues to celebrate the life and message of the King of Pop through the on-going essay series, “Gotta Make That Change.”  Following the spirit of Jackson’s hit song, “Man in the Mirror,” the essays target a way to improve the world by making that change. 

 

We live in an increasingly difficult time to live our harried lives.  Surprisingly, with all of the technological marvels that promise us more time to spend in leisure or with our loved ones, I still feel like there isn’t enough time.  There are everyday hassles that take precious chunks of time that could be better spent enriching the lives of my neighbors or creating lasting impressions on the elderly.  From waiting at cumbersome traffic lights, pausing for blasted commercial breaks during essential viewings of television (or the delay of waiting for my DVR to fast forward through the commercials), to ambling from parking lot to store entrance, seconds and even minutes are bled away from me, precious time that spills away until all I can see is the gaping maw on death’s cackling face.

It is imperative that we do more to save us time, to change the world, and it starts with you, producers of food stuffs that sit on our local grocery store shelves.  I’ll be the first to admit that we, as a modern American society, are more juvenile in mindset than any American generation since the silly boobs of the 1860’s.  With the unending bombardment of cellular signals and the feeding of our brains with terrible entertainment options, we are a crass collective who have a childish sense of humor permanently imprinted in our psyches: I don’t know about you, but I’ve wasted so much time guffawing at products that shopping for food has become an endeavor that takes more than an hour. 

I present a list of product names that need to be changed so that we can stop tittering, quicken shopping, and get to living.

 Salted Nuts

Poppy Cock

Head Cheese

Salami

Creamed anything

Spotted Dick

Fluffer Nutter

Cucumbers

Honey Smacks

Rubbermaid

Poultry Breasts

Pussyfruit

Pound cake

Popcorn (too close to poop corn)

Mississippi Mud Cake

Mudslide

Butter

Manwich

Cock Sauce

This is not an exhaustive list but you get the picture.  If we were to change/eliminate these items from our shopping lists, imagine how much more efficient we’ll be. No more wasting all that time bent over in laughter because of creamed corn.  It is time we accepted the fact that we’re all giggling simpletons that need guidance.  Do the right thing, food purveyors, and save us from ourselves.

The opinions expressed in this essay do not reflect the opinions or views of The Standard Standard, its advertisers, writers, editors, other employees, or the author of this essay.

My insurgent love for Huey Lewis & the News:

Nostalgia, or brain tumor? Discuss.

It came from elbo.ws – The Roots, “How I Got Over” and more

After the last two downer releases, and a new gig as house band for the Jimmy Fallon show, I for one wasn’t expecting a good showing from South Philly’s Roots crew.  The new album, “How I Got Over,” features a return to the sounds of their earlier records with an emphasis on a soulfulness, a marked departure of their recent recordings. 

The two tracks for preview are the title track (featuring Dice Raw), a meditation on the streets that plays over a funky soul beat, and the song “Dear God 2.0” which features a sample of  Jim Jones and the Monsters of Folk.  Both singles are wonderfully roomy and great listens. 

Download How I Got Over from The New Montreal.

Download Dear God 2.0 from Backseat Sandbar.

While at the Backseat Sandbar page, download the track “Rill Rill” by Sleigh Bells, a great summer track that will definitely be a contender for my end of the year top 25 tracks.  Fun, breathy girl vocals over laid back pop instrumentation, it’s everything you want while driving down a sun-drenched highway (they’ve even got fingersnaps!).

If you don’t like Outkast, then you probably need to jump off a bridge and kill yourself.  Yes, that’s how I feel about the duo from the ATL, who match propulsive beats that force movement from stiff limbs with an entertaining sense of lyrical humor in their rapping.  Now comes a solo record from Big Boi, the lothario of the duo, that is essentially one long come-on made listenable due to the same dynamic of Outkast success: big bass and creativity.  “Shutterbug,” a track featuring Cutty, is a bouncy track that should be playing at the clubs right now.  “Lookin’ For You,” the only track that features Andre 3000 (who apparently was kept from the project due to record company politics), is a more straightforward song compared to the more creative “Shutterbug,” but leaves the Outkast fan wanting the duo to come out with a new Outkast record.

Download the tracks “Shutterbug” and “Lookin’ For You” from Musical Pairings.

News – Hot FB spy, Comic Con, b—-, stars, and Boney M

‘Hot’ Russian spy leaves enigmatic Facebook trail

MOSCOW (AFP) – Two weeks after 10 Russian spies flew back from the United States to Moscow, the buzz of interest around redhead Anna Chapman shows no signs of receding as she has stayed in the news by writing enigmatic Facebook updates, including the mysterious “I love taro frozen yogurt,” profile update, “Team Edward” fan page addition, and cryptic photo albums filled with friends’ babies doing nothing of interest.

Comic-Con Wrestles with ‘Booth Babe’ Controversy

While costumed fans of both genders are enthusiastically welcomed by the comics industry, hired promotional models have caused some controversy among fans, particularly since Comic-Con’s attendees are now 40 percent female. Much of the outrage last year came when EA Games ran a Comic-Con contest encouraging men to “commit acts of lust” toward “booth babes”, resulting in at least one floor model getting a not-so-friendly goosing. EA Games later apologized for the contest but showed that they didn’t learn anything from the debacle when they announced this year’s contest, “Grand Theft Autoerotic-asphyxiation.”  

Wis. candidate can’t use controversial description

MADISON, Wis. – A legislative candidate from Wisconsin can’t use a profane, racially charged phrase to describe herself on the ballot, an election oversight board decided Wednesday. Ieshuh Griffin, an independent running for a downtown Milwaukee seat in the state Assembly, wants to use the phrase, “NOT the ‘whiteman’s b—-.'”  Andrew Breitbart promptly misrepresented the phrase to read “the white man’s a b—-.”

Scientists find most massive star ever discovered

LONDON – Scientists were shocked that the star, called R136a1, was already discovered by TMZ.

Boney M asked to skip hit in West Bank gig

RAMALLAH, West Bank – When the iconic 1970s disco group Boney M rocked Ramallah this week, the local music festival prevented the band from performing one of its biggest hits. Lead singer Maizie Williams said Palestinian concert organizers told her not to sing “Rivers of Babylon.” The song’s chorus quotes from the Book of Psalms, referring to the exiled Jewish people’s yearning to return to the biblical land of Israel.  The band was also asked not to play their other hits, “The Mossad Shuffle,” and “Never Gonna Give It Up (the West Bank).”