Gotta Make That Change: Grocery Edition

Marking the 400th day since the loss of Michael Jackson, The Standard Standard continues to celebrate the life and message of the King of Pop through the on-going essay series, “Gotta Make That Change.”  Following the spirit of Jackson’s hit song, “Man in the Mirror,” the essays target a way to improve the world by making that change. 


We live in an increasingly difficult time to live our harried lives.  Surprisingly, with all of the technological marvels that promise us more time to spend in leisure or with our loved ones, I still feel like there isn’t enough time.  There are everyday hassles that take precious chunks of time that could be better spent enriching the lives of my neighbors or creating lasting impressions on the elderly.  From waiting at cumbersome traffic lights, pausing for blasted commercial breaks during essential viewings of television (or the delay of waiting for my DVR to fast forward through the commercials), to ambling from parking lot to store entrance, seconds and even minutes are bled away from me, precious time that spills away until all I can see is the gaping maw on death’s cackling face.

It is imperative that we do more to save us time, to change the world, and it starts with you, producers of food stuffs that sit on our local grocery store shelves.  I’ll be the first to admit that we, as a modern American society, are more juvenile in mindset than any American generation since the silly boobs of the 1860’s.  With the unending bombardment of cellular signals and the feeding of our brains with terrible entertainment options, we are a crass collective who have a childish sense of humor permanently imprinted in our psyches: I don’t know about you, but I’ve wasted so much time guffawing at products that shopping for food has become an endeavor that takes more than an hour. 

I present a list of product names that need to be changed so that we can stop tittering, quicken shopping, and get to living.

 Salted Nuts

Poppy Cock

Head Cheese


Creamed anything

Spotted Dick

Fluffer Nutter


Honey Smacks


Poultry Breasts


Pound cake

Popcorn (too close to poop corn)

Mississippi Mud Cake




Cock Sauce

This is not an exhaustive list but you get the picture.  If we were to change/eliminate these items from our shopping lists, imagine how much more efficient we’ll be. No more wasting all that time bent over in laughter because of creamed corn.  It is time we accepted the fact that we’re all giggling simpletons that need guidance.  Do the right thing, food purveyors, and save us from ourselves.

The opinions expressed in this essay do not reflect the opinions or views of The Standard Standard, its advertisers, writers, editors, other employees, or the author of this essay.


2 Responses to Gotta Make That Change: Grocery Edition

  1. Cory Nedlik says:

    I was going to make a Michael Jackson 400 day/400% less child abuse cases joke, but it just seemed too easy and tacky.

    May his nose face rest in piece.

  2. Cory Nedlik says:

    *his nose. Not his nose face. Unless you’re talking about a really rancid face.

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