Ask the Doctorates: Promised Snip

Dear Doctorates – I am angry with my husband and I don’t know what to do. I’m in my late 30’s and have been married to my husband for the seven years. We have one child.  When we married, I told him that I didn’t want to have any kids, but over time, he wore me down with his desire for a kid and we reached a comprimise.  We both agreed that we would have one kid and then he would get a vasectomy. Well, the kid is here, and I am still adamant that I don’t want another child, but he hasn’t gone to get the procedure.  We’ve had fights, and he accuses me of nagging him. His only excuse is that he’s not ready yet. What should I do?

That sounds like a tough situation, and it is a very good sign that you are willing to communicate and reached out for help.  I have great news – vasectomies are reversible!  That means that you and your husband can always change your mind and reverse the operation later, so the pressure is off.  I think that know how you feel – I spent a lot of time researching vasectomies and having family discussions.  My wife was pushing me really hard to have the procedure done a few years ago.  We had one kid and, honestly, she just really couldn’t handle another.  Anyway, she was pushing and pushing for the operation, and one weekend she had a high school reunion in Ithica.  A weekend without her prattle sure sounded good to me so I stayed home.  When she got back she talked and talked about how much all these people that I didn’t know had changed, blah blah blah.  Then she gave me this sob story about some guy that had finally lost all his weight and put himself back together, etc.  Well, when she talked about this guy I happened to see her eyes, and when she saw me looking she got all defensive, I knew that I had finally, FINALLY caught that lying, cheating slut in the act.  She denied it, of course, but I went out and blew our entire checking account on this divorce lawyer and there wasn’t a dime left for that whore and her bastard offspring.  But today, I have a beautiful baby boy with Kathy (the former best friend of my ex, but Kathey couldn’t stand her either, lol!), and we’re eagerly waiting for a baby girl to join our family in a few months.  I love my son so much.  Honestly, looking back, I don’t know why I stayed with my first wife as long as I did.
 
Anyway, vasectomies are reversible, and they’re no big deal.  Just communicate that to your husband as clearly as you can – Kathy and I can tell you that communication is the key to a great marriage.  Good luck!
 
Dr. K is a government intellectual property expert. He has a PhD in Biology.

Got a relationship question for our stable of PhDs? Send it to standardstandard@gmail.com.

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Double D’s Partyin’ the USA – Things to Do This Weekend

From special contributor Davey “Double D” Dombrowsky, professional man about towns and raconteur.  Double D knows what to you should do this weekend.

 

Friday

After waking up from Thursday’s get together at the Top of the Standard in NYC’s Meatpacking District (it’s always a late night when hanging with Leo…DiMarco, part-time ‘tender of Greenwich’s Slaughtered Lamb Pub), you’ll want to head on over to The Central New York Modern Art Expo Center on W. 55th from 2-7pm for their 4th annual “Art Splat and Egg Sale,” where you can get some awesome poached eggs and egg-based artwork.  I picked up a Damian Hurzt “Poop Egg” last year and I’ll keep my eye out for other valuable ovum.  After that, get out of the Why-C, cause it’s dead on Fridays, and head down to Wilmington, Delaware for dinner at Charcoal Pit on Concord Pike, where I have it on good authority (a certain hottie from Delaware, Valerie Bertinelli, total cougar yum) that this is the place to spot some A-listers like Justine Bieber (sister of Justin and star of the new Family Ties webisodes) and good friend (and, oh, VP of the USA) Joe Biden.  After you fill up on their black and white shakes, head down to D.C.’s “Race Relations Ball and Car Auction” in Friendship Heights from 6-11pm.  If that’s not enough, you can head over to hot club UltraBar in D.C., where you can dance to super-DJ Skeet Skeet and hang out with reality star Missy Dugout from MTV’s “Sober Academy House.”  If you’re looking for a quieter awesome night out in the mid-West, you have to get out to Des Moines’ own Twisted Parrot Lounge and meet Gassy Gus of Frankie & KoKo Morning ShowShow fame (appearance from 8-10pm) and the Hot 107 FM PregBabes.  If you’re on the left coast, nothing’s going on.

Saturday

Man, I don’t know about you, but Saturday, I’m getting up bright and early and heading over to Dodge City, Kansas, for the “Santa Fe Trail ‘Gunsmoke’ Masquerade 5K” (starting at 7am) which annually draws some eighty thousand fans of the television show “Gunsmoke” and other Old West drag lovers for a fun romp down the dusty streets of a dying Plains city.  Keep an eye out for Old Dirty Willy and his kabob truck, they’re falafel-humping goodness.  After that exertion, I’m going to hope in my IROC and blast over to The Pantry Restaurant in Sterling Heights, Michigan for some delicious breakfast specials and special celebrity sightings (I had a fluffernutter sandwich one night with Jack Bauer, inspiration for Kiefer Sutherland’s character’s name on “24”).  Plan to spend the day in Bend, Oregon, at the Alphonse D’Amato Festival, the country’s only celebration of the life and public service of New York Senator Al D’Amato.  You’ll have your breath taken away as you watch the spectacle of a giant papier mâché D’Amato fight against a giant pencil (you’ll lose your breath by seeing lots of Oregon’s finest babes at the fest as well).  Dinner will definitely be at Los Angeles’ chic Cafe La Boheme, where my buddy Wil Wheaton, who works the door, has confirmed that the entire cast of next year’s disaster blockbuster called “M. Night Shymalan presents…” will be eating at the corner table! Show up, grab a table, and be seen.  For after dinner, I wish I could make it to NYC for the hot party at Club No Name on E. 99th for Moby’s Karaoke show or the insanity that will be the Met Opera’s annual “Orgy for Organs” debauchery, but I’ll be driving down to New Orleans with my girl, internationally famous socialite Paris Schwartz, to Club Pepper Schwantz, for the special night of music performed by Peebo Bryson.  Also wish I could clone myself and head out to Montana’s Big Horn Comedy Club for their crazy “Legends of Black Comedy” starring Sinbad marathon.

Sunday

Ah, the day of rest, you know your boy is gonna give you some great Sunday Morning Coming Down events, right? First, head to Louisville for a Hot Brown at the Brown Hotel (tell her I sent you, wink wink).  Then, I know I’m driving up to Philly to enjoy the beautiful people watching at the Cheesesteak World Eatoff, then wind down the weekend with a little jaunt over to Amarillo for a casual supper at the Big Texan.  Head home, fall asleep, do whatever you need to until next weekend.  Ciao.

Gotta Make That Change: Grocery Edition

Marking the 400th day since the loss of Michael Jackson, The Standard Standard continues to celebrate the life and message of the King of Pop through the on-going essay series, “Gotta Make That Change.”  Following the spirit of Jackson’s hit song, “Man in the Mirror,” the essays target a way to improve the world by making that change. 

 

We live in an increasingly difficult time to live our harried lives.  Surprisingly, with all of the technological marvels that promise us more time to spend in leisure or with our loved ones, I still feel like there isn’t enough time.  There are everyday hassles that take precious chunks of time that could be better spent enriching the lives of my neighbors or creating lasting impressions on the elderly.  From waiting at cumbersome traffic lights, pausing for blasted commercial breaks during essential viewings of television (or the delay of waiting for my DVR to fast forward through the commercials), to ambling from parking lot to store entrance, seconds and even minutes are bled away from me, precious time that spills away until all I can see is the gaping maw on death’s cackling face.

It is imperative that we do more to save us time, to change the world, and it starts with you, producers of food stuffs that sit on our local grocery store shelves.  I’ll be the first to admit that we, as a modern American society, are more juvenile in mindset than any American generation since the silly boobs of the 1860’s.  With the unending bombardment of cellular signals and the feeding of our brains with terrible entertainment options, we are a crass collective who have a childish sense of humor permanently imprinted in our psyches: I don’t know about you, but I’ve wasted so much time guffawing at products that shopping for food has become an endeavor that takes more than an hour. 

I present a list of product names that need to be changed so that we can stop tittering, quicken shopping, and get to living.

 Salted Nuts

Poppy Cock

Head Cheese

Salami

Creamed anything

Spotted Dick

Fluffer Nutter

Cucumbers

Honey Smacks

Rubbermaid

Poultry Breasts

Pussyfruit

Pound cake

Popcorn (too close to poop corn)

Mississippi Mud Cake

Mudslide

Butter

Manwich

Cock Sauce

This is not an exhaustive list but you get the picture.  If we were to change/eliminate these items from our shopping lists, imagine how much more efficient we’ll be. No more wasting all that time bent over in laughter because of creamed corn.  It is time we accepted the fact that we’re all giggling simpletons that need guidance.  Do the right thing, food purveyors, and save us from ourselves.

The opinions expressed in this essay do not reflect the opinions or views of The Standard Standard, its advertisers, writers, editors, other employees, or the author of this essay.

Mel Gibson Hates…

This taped conversation featuring Mel Gibson’s best voice acting ever just demonstrates Mel’s over-the-top cartoonish anger, directed towards minorities and women…but not exclusively.  The Standard Standard crack team of researchers combed the internet (IMDB) for quotes from Mel.  Let it be known that

Mel Gibson hates…

Patchouli Oil – “Call it what you like. It still smells like shit to me!”

The Police – “Crooked cops. Do they come in any other way? If I’d been just a little dumber, I could have joined the force myself.”

 

Opponents when playing hide and seek – “Is it dark where you’re calling from? Got the shades drawn? Kind of like a cellar, right? Like a cave? Well, you better get used to that. You better get used to crawling in the dark for the rest of your days, because I am gonna get the best group of manhunters in this country, and I am gonna dedicate my life to tracking you down.”

Aging Running Backs (like LaDainian Tomlinson) – “Sir, I don’t think you’ve got the picture. They are being cut down before they can get five yards.”

Critics of Michael Pollan – “To be normal, to drink Coca-Cola and eat Kentucky Fried Chicken is to be in a conspiracy against yourself.”

Critics of the Eclipse Saga – “It’s not just A story, it’s THE bloody story – can’t you understand that?”

Race Relations – “We’re back, we’re bad, you’re black, I’m mad.”

Gay Rights – “Easy, Pops. Cockfighting is illegal where I come from.”

On the End of His Marriage to Wife, Robyn – “What’s the difference between a wife and a job? After 10 years a job still sucks.”

On Itzhak Perlman – “I could play the violin and wipe my own ass all at the same time.”

Fluoride – “I can’t be sure, but I got the distinct feeling that it wanted to harm me.”

On Eugenics – “Oh, it crossed MY mind, too, I can tell you.”

On abuse – “Aw, come on. It didn’t hurt that bad. Just looking at you hurts more.”

Movie Reviews: Toy Story 3, Despicable Me, and Avatar: the Last Airbender

The last three movies I’ve watched in the theater are children/family pictures.  The last few movies that I’ve actually enjoyed have been children/family pictures, usually of the animated variety.  The Pixar and Dreamworks animated features have had better writing and more enjoyable visuals that recently viewed live action blockbusters – I’m looking straight at you, Iron Man 2.   Plus, the In Theaters Now lineup right now is woefully thin.  You couldn’t get me in copter Hannibal, I’m not sure who in Knight and Day’s target demographic but I’ll guess it isn’t me, and the only Eclipse I want to watch is this.  Thus, you’re getting reviews of Toy Story 3, Despicable Me, and Avatar: the Last Airbender.

Toy Story 3

If you liked the previous two episodes of the adventures of Woody and Buzz, then you’ll love Toy Story 3.  You get the return of most of the beloved characters, including a newly voiced Slinky Dog.  More importantly, you get the always dependable Pixar film formula:  beautiful graphics, wit and heart, and surprising complimentary voice acting all serving to tell a great story.  Sure, the main story was a bit sappy, and sure the end’s curtain call just seems unnecessary, but there are surprises and joy in bounds with this movie.  One thing to note, I watched the movie in 2D so I can’t claim anything about the relative value of a 3D showing.

This is a solid 4 1/2 out of 5 for me.  I would nominate this film for Best Use of a Clown Toy soliloquy, Best Creative Tortilla Effects, Best Animated Feature, and Best Cameo By a Glow Worm.

Despicable Me

A solid turn by the Universal animation group, I have to admit walking into this film with low expectations.  Much of that was due to the trailer that I saw much too often with the redneck American family touring the inflated Great Pyramids to the dulcet tones of Lynard Skynard.  I hate Lynard Skynard.  If you love Lynard Skynard, I hate you too.

I digress.  The film is a tremendous amount of misanthropic fun.  The characters are constantly inflicting both psychological and cartoonishly physical pain on each other, and if you enjoy that kind of thing, this is a blast.  There’s a main story about the lead villian, Gru, learning to love, but that’s beside the point.  Gru’s minions, yellow pills with stubby appendages and goggled eyes, are walking punching bags, fun little cartoon humanoids that get punched, flicked, kicked, exploded, and launched into orbit, all for our summer movie watching delight.  I applaud the film makers for staying away from most non-Pixar animated film crutches, primarily bathroom humor.  This is a pretty good movie, even if the supporting voices don’t really get much to work with (all the funny lines go to Steve Carrell’s Gru, Jason Segal’s Vector, Elsie Fisher’s scene stealing baby, Agnes, and the minions).  Russell Brand, Kristin Wiig, Will Arnett, etc are all wasted.

Rating: 3 1/2 out of 5.  I would nominate this film for Best Use of a Freeze Ray at a Coffee Shop, Best Parallel Parking Job, Best Cookie Technical Direction, and Best Reading of a line containing the words “Fluffy Unicorn” Ever.

Avatar: The Last Airbender

Oh, M. Night Shyamalan, how you’ve turned into a punchline of a director/writer/producer.  From “swing away,” tree-caused suicide, Ron Howard’s daughter in water, and a shitty village, we’ve come to this, a terrible live-action adaptation of a Nickelodeon cartoon.  If you must know, there are four nations who are each linked to one element (fire, water, air, earth: apparently they don’t care to unleash Captain Planet and have left out heart).  The evil Fire people, who appear to be of Indian descent, have killed all the Air people (Tibetans), enslaved the Earth people (Far East Asians), and fighting a war with the Water folk (a combination of Caucasians and Eskimos).  Those dastardly Fire people will stop at nothing to conquer the world, even trying to kill the Avatar, a superhuman Dalai lama who reincarnates to keep the world at balance.

The story is fine.  It’s what Shyamalan does to the story with his horrendously stiff writing and direction that makes “The Last Airbender” one of the longest 103 minute movies you’ll ever have to sit through.  Through  scene after scene  of stilted dialogue only used for forced plot exposition, Shyamalan has finally proven that he doesn’t know how to write dialogue anymore.  The characters don’t talk with one another, they talk at  the audience, much like tour bus operators.  Like most tour bus operators, you grow to hate the characters within the first five minutes.  I don’t understand why Shyamalan cast dynamic actors like Aasif Mandvi or Dev Patel only to have them read lines that are not salvageable.

Of course, this is an effects movie of action, so we can forgive the terrible, absolutely awful dialogue.  Some of the effects are pretty great, with the lead character’s actor, young Noah Ringer, performing some great looking martial arts.  Also, the CG was pretty good, with some impressive fire and water effects.  However, even the fight scenes were clumsily staged and paced.  The first major battle scene has absolutely no flow or logic.  A potentially great set piece where the Avatar is rescued by Dev Patel’s character has so little actual action that it makes no sense.  The bad guys don’t attack when they should, and they run away when most conquering victorious armies would not.  The bad guy leaders are horribly unskilled tactically and even practically – everyone know that you don’t leave a spirit killing mission until you’ve actually killed the spirit, right?

They leave the movie open for a sequel. I hope they make it. I just hope they don’t let Shyamalan participate.  Enough already.

Rating: 2 out of 5.  I would nominate this film for Worst Dialogue in a Motion Picture (the honorary Showgirls award), Best Creature that Looks Like a Blend of Falkor and My Neighbor Totoro, Worst Father Ever (Cliff Curtis/Fire Lord), and Worst Director/Writer/Producer In the World.