News – Hot FB spy, Comic Con, b—-, stars, and Boney M

‘Hot’ Russian spy leaves enigmatic Facebook trail

MOSCOW (AFP) – Two weeks after 10 Russian spies flew back from the United States to Moscow, the buzz of interest around redhead Anna Chapman shows no signs of receding as she has stayed in the news by writing enigmatic Facebook updates, including the mysterious “I love taro frozen yogurt,” profile update, “Team Edward” fan page addition, and cryptic photo albums filled with friends’ babies doing nothing of interest.

Comic-Con Wrestles with ‘Booth Babe’ Controversy

While costumed fans of both genders are enthusiastically welcomed by the comics industry, hired promotional models have caused some controversy among fans, particularly since Comic-Con’s attendees are now 40 percent female. Much of the outrage last year came when EA Games ran a Comic-Con contest encouraging men to “commit acts of lust” toward “booth babes”, resulting in at least one floor model getting a not-so-friendly goosing. EA Games later apologized for the contest but showed that they didn’t learn anything from the debacle when they announced this year’s contest, “Grand Theft Autoerotic-asphyxiation.”  

Wis. candidate can’t use controversial description

MADISON, Wis. – A legislative candidate from Wisconsin can’t use a profane, racially charged phrase to describe herself on the ballot, an election oversight board decided Wednesday. Ieshuh Griffin, an independent running for a downtown Milwaukee seat in the state Assembly, wants to use the phrase, “NOT the ‘whiteman’s b—-.'”  Andrew Breitbart promptly misrepresented the phrase to read “the white man’s a b—-.”

Scientists find most massive star ever discovered

LONDON – Scientists were shocked that the star, called R136a1, was already discovered by TMZ.

Boney M asked to skip hit in West Bank gig

RAMALLAH, West Bank – When the iconic 1970s disco group Boney M rocked Ramallah this week, the local music festival prevented the band from performing one of its biggest hits. Lead singer Maizie Williams said Palestinian concert organizers told her not to sing “Rivers of Babylon.” The song’s chorus quotes from the Book of Psalms, referring to the exiled Jewish people’s yearning to return to the biblical land of Israel.  The band was also asked not to play their other hits, “The Mossad Shuffle,” and “Never Gonna Give It Up (the West Bank).”


News Section – July 15, 2010

This edition of the News Section: Texas Nomenclature news! Immigration Law news! Roman Polanski news! Wall Street Bill news!

AUSTIN, Texas – University of Texas regents agreed Thursday to strip the name of a former law school professor and early organizer of the Ku Klux Klan from a campus dormitory.  The dorm named after William Stewart Simkins will now be known as Creekside Residence Hall.  The board of regents have not decided if they will change the name of a similarly controversial campus building, Sam Waggoner Academic Hall.  Sam “Puppy” Waggoner, an alumnus who served 8 terms in the Texas legislature, was infamous for his racist support of Jim Crow law, his “Texas Institute of Eugenics Study”, as well as being an avid sport dog fucker.

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DETROIT – States have the authority to enforce immigration laws and protect their borders, Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox said Wednesday in a legal brief on behalf of nine states supporting Arizona’s immigration law.  Cox, one of five Republicans running for Michigan governor, said Michigan is the lead state backing Arizona in federal court and is joined by Alabama Attorney Dick Ildo, Florida Attorney Peter Schwang, Nebraska Attorney Terry P. Enis, Pennsylvania Attorney Wallace Kochsucer, South Carolina Attorney Dong Throbber, South Dakota Attorney Yeardley Fallus, Texas Attorney Mushroom Stamp and Virginia Attorney Rex Racehorse, as well as the Northern Mariana Islands Attorney Erect Veiny Pants Monster.

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GENEVA – Roman Polanski may once again be seen on the red carpet at Cannes — but he won’t be attending the Venice Film Festival or the Oscars anytime soon.  Freed from Swiss house arrest after the government refused to deport him to the United States, the 76-year-old movie director still faces an Interpol warrant in effect for 188 countries for a 1977 child sex case.  That means now, more than ever, Polanski is truly safe from arrest only in his home nations of France and Poland, and — due to this week’s stunning decision — Switzerland.  Polanski, as is his custom, marked the day by throwing a lavish party, including buttons that were passed out to all guests that read, “Three out of 191 Ain’t Bad!’

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WASHINGTON (Reuters) – The broadest overhaul of U.S. financial rules since the Great Depression was on its way to becoming law on Thursday after it cleared a crucial hurdle in Congress.  Though the track was wet from storms that swept through the region, the Wall Street reform bill demonstrated sure footing as it lept over the hurdle, as it turned the corner and eyed the finish line with the look of a champion distance runner, legging out a distance run, with iPod earbuds blaring out “Eye of the Tiger” and Gatorade G2 Series erupting out of overacting pores of victory.  

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Your Ahmadineminute — World Cup Wrap-up

Bin Ladin is no friend of Ahmadinejad, but they do share two things in common: their hatred for America and a love for football.

(Please don’t accuse me of being lazy… I don’t have the time to try and make this quote funnier than it already is)

Bin Laden—whose strict Islamist worldview proscribes music, women’s education, gambling, drinking, homosexuality, and the shaving of beards—is a fan of the game, and his preferred position is center forward. He is one of the many jihadists who worship the world’s most popular sport. “It’s on the whole their favorite thing after jihad,” says Scott Atran, an American and French anthropologist who has studied the interplay between terror groups and soccer.

Half of Americans are pure, unadulterated a-holes: poll

WASHINGTON – Half of Americans reject President Barack Obama’s lawsuit against Arizona’s controversial immigration law, with only a third supporting the move, according to a Gallup poll released Friday.  The result was much greater than predicted by the American Center for Study of Bigotry and Dadgummery. 

With key midterm elections just around the corner for the country of immigrants in November, the Obama administration is facing strong support for the law, which makes it a crime to be in the state — bordering Mexico — without proper immigration papers.

“Frankly, we knew that there was strong racist feeling in the country,” said the director of the Center’s Phoenix branch, Tim Deary, “I mean, look at the popularity of that white power tea party movement.  However, we’re shocked by Gallup’s results.  Now, you’ll have to excuse me, since I have to run home and grab my passport.”

The poll noted that those who followed news about the law most closely were most likely to oppose it.  Unspoken was the understanding that those who support the law were likely illiterate.

Obama’s Democratic administration is seeking an injunction through the Justice Department to stop the Arizona law from going into effect on July 29, slamming it as unconstitutional, abusive, divisive, and just plain f-ed up.

“You’ll have to pry this law from my cold, dead hands,” responded Arizona Jan Brewer at a press conference Thursday.  She then proceded to defecate on a copy of the Bill of Rights while humming Toby Keith’s “American Ride.”

Nearly eight in 10 Republicans (79 percent) opposed the lawsuit, while 56 percent of Democrats were in favor of the Obama administration’s decision.  Additionally, 44 percent of the survey’s Democratic respondents were Republicans.

 Overall, 50 percent of Americans said they were against the move, compared to 33 percent in favor.  Other polls have also shown strong national support for Arizona’s measure, the first law making illegal immigration a state crime. 

“The Obama administration is sailing against the tide of public opinion in its efforts to block the law, although members of Obama’s own party certainly support the administration,” Gallup said. “Oh, and also, we only poll white people.”

But the political implications of the federal government’s decision are “difficult to predict with precision” with less than four months remaining before legislative and gubernatorial elections, it added. 

One thing is for certain, Americans do not not hate brown people.

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